My life as a BBW

    People say you shouldn't look for love, it will find you. I sometimes don't believe things people tell me, but i think this one's true.     Yea so what, i was on dating sites and yes, I even messaged people instead of waiting for them to message me. I thought that maybe men liked a woman who jumps in first. Obviously, thats's a crock of shit! I've had guys message me that aren't even my type or they just want a one nightstand. I then late altered my profile and said, "To all the messed up users and abusers of this site, I'M NOT A WHORE AND NEVER WILL BE!!! So if you want a one nightstand its not me."       That little monologue made men pretty much hate me. I know it's cruel, but I just don't want that kind of drama. Been there done that. I waited patiently for that one man to come in to the picture and he did. it took me 40-50 dates later to find him, but it was worth it. As they say, if a man is...

Today my teddy bear aka Matt came home today from college for labor day weekend... I was so excited to see him.  So he came over... after me vigorously cleaning my room and the whole house to impress him...  I also made a awesome dinner... Well, I thought it was awesome... Meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy with broccoli  . I also made brownies for desert. Needless to say that he didn't eat my brownies... He practically went running... The whole reason behind it was that I was so nervous to have sex with him I just kept physicking myself out.  It took me two hours to wrap the idea around my head. I think I fucked up right at that moment. I should have just went for it. This is why I ruin relationships...     So, I eventually get my top off and just talk to him and everything then we get into it more and he couldn't get it up.  Is it my fault? Am I not pretty enough? what did i do? It was lik...

  Expectations can either make or break a relationship... I really can't fathom why Matt wants to be with me. He tells me all the time how much he cares and loves me.  He has also told me that I'm perfect. I can't live up to being perfect. I've thought about breaking up with him, because I don't want to be put up on a pedestal. I know my thought chain isn't really connecting right now. I'm just jotting down what I'm thinking. So I'm really sorry about that.    Back to what I was saying. Matt and I have been talking about marriage and a future. Is it really to soon to start talking about that? I've known him for 2 weeks, but I feel like I've known him for years.  I can really see myself with him for a very long time. I've had so many people tell me that knowing someone for 2 weeks and thinking that he's the one for you isn't so great. I could be wrong, but you know the infamous gut feeling that women get, well I can tell you I hav...

I often wonder if Matt really sees a future with me. He seems like he wants to have someone there for the rest of his life. Don't get me wrong so do I, but he's sending me mixed signals here. I told him I'm ready to settle down whenever and he just has said when I get things squared away, I'll get engaged and then move in with that person.   Recently, he's been asking me about his future. Like what do I see us going. I want to tell him maybe getting married but he is no were near getting engaged and I truly don't think its time for him to ask that. I would love to marry him. I would do it in a heartbeat if he asked. I just want him to be sure I'm the one for him.   He's truly the only guy that can make me laugh, smile and be myself with. I fell in love with him on the 1st date. He was just so cute thinking that I was going to be judging him. I'm so not that type of person. I just wanted to get to know him and help him in life. I'll write tomorr...