My life as a BBW

So my dad went into surgery today and my ex matt decided to help me around the house and make sure i was emotionally okay. As you guys know, that matt goes to school 2 hours away from where i live, So he left as soon as he had everything finished for the day, went to his house, took a shower, and then left to come see me. He showed up around 5pm. I was excited since i haven't really seen him since our break up 2 months earlier. He cut his hair shorter than it was before and he wore a baseball cap. god he looked so hot. I couldn't stop looking at him. anyway, he helped me with my grocery shopping, brought in the groceries, and even made dinner. Wow he totally changed.. I love him so much. We also talked about why we broke up in the 1st place. he told me that he was 25 years old in college with no job really and I was 20 with a job and I was ready to get married and he wasn't. he also said that it was scary because i had it together at my age and he didn't at his age...

I'm sorry about this... My dad is getting more tests and all the bull. I'm just stressing out... My job isn't really going well. I've just been having a few bad weeks in a row. I'm not going to let it get to me thought. I'm single and I should be happy about it. I just wish I had some friends to support me and be there for me when I need them. As for my job. My last pay check was 16 hours short and my boss said it wasn't his fault. Oh ya like come  on I couldn't clock in and he told me he would fix it. In all reality i should have checked with him. So now every time he closes payroll I will have to keep tabs. I just got paid on Fri of last week and I only have 40 bucks left which is horrible. I was shorted around 140 dollars that horrible. How can someone expect me to pay bills with little to nothing. Lets pack on the stress why don't we. ON a brighter note, I recorded a new cover for my youtube channel which I'm very proud of. Its called I drea...

I've been moping around for 2 days missing him. I know I shouldn't, but I miss him so much.... Nothing feels the same. I keep thinking did I make a mistake? I shouldn't even think about that. I need to move on. If it's love it will make it's way back into my life. Yes I know every relationship has its ups and downs. It's just the distance and everything that went wrong had become between us.  I guess its my fault, he even said so himself. I've questioned myself and what I've done in the relationship. SO that makes me the scape goat? Whatever, I'm just tired of this cloud that follows me. I am never happy and I should have been. Someone please tell me what to think....     I cant sleep... I need to go to Barngat tomorrow. Whoo hoo... 

    As usual, Matt leaves on Sunday evenings to go back to college and I usually come up the week after. We pretty much keep a good schedule.  But today, I don't get to see him before he goes. He's leaving in 2 hours.I told him there's no point of even coming to see me, because I'm out of the way and it  will take 40 minutes just to get down here. I wish I could go with him. I just miss him so much.     So in order for me to cope with loosing him every other weekend, he bought me a teddy bear. here's matty.... isnt he cute?  I named him Matty. This teddy bear is so soft and cuddly I love it. Matt even said you like the teddy bear more than you like me. That is so not true. I just like silence sometimes that's all. Matt and I were discussing the future and he really wants me to be there. he said I'm his one and only and he wants that forever. Then I usally say forever is a long time are you sure ?  He beat me to the punch and tr...

    People say you shouldn't look for love, it will find you. I sometimes don't believe things people tell me, but i think this one's true.     Yea so what, i was on dating sites and yes, I even messaged people instead of waiting for them to message me. I thought that maybe men liked a woman who jumps in first. Obviously, thats's a crock of shit! I've had guys message me that aren't even my type or they just want a one nightstand. I then late altered my profile and said, "To all the messed up users and abusers of this site, I'M NOT A WHORE AND NEVER WILL BE!!! So if you want a one nightstand its not me."       That little monologue made men pretty much hate me. I know it's cruel, but I just don't want that kind of drama. Been there done that. I waited patiently for that one man to come in to the picture and he did. it took me 40-50 dates later to find him, but it was worth it. As they say, if a man is...

hey guys whats going on? I made a video blog for you.... So I hope you like this... and if you do please tell me. So i can do more of them instead of typing my thoughts... Well thanks guys you rock!!! Meanwhile, I'm tryin to figure out why they wont let me post my vlog on here... So here are some pictures from our nerf gun commercial set. An abandoned house... thought it was cool so heres a pic the side of the house... kinda looks freaky in a way... but would be a lot scarier at night....  pretty? I think so....I'm soo good...  I'm adding some of the raw footage from the commercial so here you go.... 

 this is matt and me...  Besides the no sex and the snoring... Matt is turly the one for me. I've fallen head over heels for this man. I just hope he's done the same... I can't even stop thinking about him from time to time. This labor day weekend was surely something to remember. My dad's 60th b-day party was on Saturday. Even though, his birthday was on Thursday. IT was a real blast. I even spent all my money on his party it was well worth it. He had gotten to talk to people from his home town of Trenton NJ and just reminis about memories. I on the other hand just got to sit down and hold Matts hand and have a great meal prepared by Tiffany. She rocks!! She's my dad's god-daughter. His real 1st daughter not like literally, but the 1st baby girl to take his heart. It's hard to compete with, but I know she loves him like I do.    I had so much fun this weekend it's taken me till tuesday to post this... How funny huh? I've been a busy body... Mak...

    I've been wondering if, every person we meet in our lifetime changes who we are as people. Does each one teach us something new or different? And when that person is no longer in your life do you really think about them, doing the things that they have taught you or things that you've experienced with them? I've done that many times over the years.   For example, my new boyfriend. If I hadn't met him I would have never talked about my past and just let it all out. He's my rock and best friend. Sounds like marriage vows I know. But I'm serious. If we break up I would be lost and so devastated.   He's shown me that I'm worth more than what I value myself as.  I love the fact that he supports me, and loves me for me. I couldn't ask for a more perfect man.       Today, we had a surprise birthday party for my dad... it was his 60th b-day on the 2nd of this month... Matt came and he fit right in. Everyone, loved him and I'm...

Today my teddy bear aka Matt came home today from college for labor day weekend... I was so excited to see him.  So he came over... after me vigorously cleaning my room and the whole house to impress him...  I also made a awesome dinner... Well, I thought it was awesome... Meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy with broccoli  . I also made brownies for desert. Needless to say that he didn't eat my brownies... He practically went running... The whole reason behind it was that I was so nervous to have sex with him I just kept physicking myself out.  It took me two hours to wrap the idea around my head. I think I fucked up right at that moment. I should have just went for it. This is why I ruin relationships...     So, I eventually get my top off and just talk to him and everything then we get into it more and he couldn't get it up.  Is it my fault? Am I not pretty enough? what did i do? It was lik...

  Expectations can either make or break a relationship... I really can't fathom why Matt wants to be with me. He tells me all the time how much he cares and loves me.  He has also told me that I'm perfect. I can't live up to being perfect. I've thought about breaking up with him, because I don't want to be put up on a pedestal. I know my thought chain isn't really connecting right now. I'm just jotting down what I'm thinking. So I'm really sorry about that.    Back to what I was saying. Matt and I have been talking about marriage and a future. Is it really to soon to start talking about that? I've known him for 2 weeks, but I feel like I've known him for years.  I can really see myself with him for a very long time. I've had so many people tell me that knowing someone for 2 weeks and thinking that he's the one for you isn't so great. I could be wrong, but you know the infamous gut feeling that women get, well I can tell you I hav...

I often wonder if Matt really sees a future with me. He seems like he wants to have someone there for the rest of his life. Don't get me wrong so do I, but he's sending me mixed signals here. I told him I'm ready to settle down whenever and he just has said when I get things squared away, I'll get engaged and then move in with that person.   Recently, he's been asking me about his future. Like what do I see us going. I want to tell him maybe getting married but he is no were near getting engaged and I truly don't think its time for him to ask that. I would love to marry him. I would do it in a heartbeat if he asked. I just want him to be sure I'm the one for him.   He's truly the only guy that can make me laugh, smile and be myself with. I fell in love with him on the 1st date. He was just so cute thinking that I was going to be judging him. I'm so not that type of person. I just wanted to get to know him and help him in life. I'll write tomorr...

I've been really stressed out these past few days. Trying to figure out if i should be with my boyfriend who's in college and I really think he should live the college life. Like going to parties and hooking up with other people. I just don't want to hold him down. I love him I do. I just don't know if we can make it work from 200 miles away.    I feel like I have nothing to offer him. I don't have a job. I live with my sick father. I don't have a car. The list goes on and on. I'm an independent person and I hate depending on others. I've worked my ass off for everything I have and had. Okay, sorry to get off the subject, but what is a Rare Job? I was on the ouija board the other night while camping and someone on the "other side" said i should have a rare job. I've been trying to think what the hell one is.  Small business owner? Singer? artist?  I have no clue. I just want a job where i can support myself and my boyfriend when the time c...

         I was invited to go camping with my friend Lisa and her Boyfriend. I love the out doors so why not right? I really didn't expect to find the love of my life in the 3 days before this trip. I guess it takes 3 long days to fall in love with someone. I'm not sure maybe I'm rushing it.  Now, I'm just worried about leaving him for 4 days. I know I'll miss him terribly and I know he'll be lost without me.  I need to take a few pics with him b4 he leaves me on Tuesday. I never thought it would be that hard. I guess I can think of it as he's going on a tour in the army. It's going to be that long, but he will be coming home on weekends and holidays.          Okay, I'm totally depressing myself here. Going to sing some music and post it up to my youtube channel. You guys should really check it out. Even though, my channel isn't so professional and polished. I'm just an amateur and have a crappy laptop mic a...

Hey yall, I know I haven't been posting much. I've just been so damn depressed with my fucked up life, sometimes I think it's not even worth talking about. Anyway, I'm back and I think for good. I just got back from one of the best dates I'll ever have in my entire life! So, before I forget anything I'm writing all the juicy details down for you while enjoying my awesome vitamin water Revive fruit punch and tastykake sugar waffers strawberry cream flavored. I love those things!!!   Now back to what I was saying. I met this guy Matt on okcupid.com. I thought this site wouldn't do me any good. I've found quite a few "fucked-asses" new word so spread it around!!!  So, we had a plan to meet by 1pm at Barnes and Noble in Hamliton. I got stuck in fucking traffic and was 10 minutes late. I was really stressed and I don't really like bookstores that much. It's like all the books are trying to get me to read them and I just can't. I hate it...