My life as a BBW

I've been moping around for 2 days missing him. I know I shouldn't, but I miss him so much.... Nothing feels the same. I keep thinking did I make a mistake? I shouldn't even think about that. I need to move on. If it's love it will make it's way back into my life. Yes I know every relationship has its ups and downs. It's just the distance and everything that went wrong had become between us.  I guess its my fault, he even said so himself. I've questioned myself and what I've done in the relationship. SO that makes me the scape goat? Whatever, I'm just tired of this cloud that follows me. I am never happy and I should have been. Someone please tell me what to think....     I cant sleep... I need to go to Barngat tomorrow. Whoo hoo... 

    Today I woke up at 5am I have no clue why I went to sleep after talking to Matt for like 5 minutes it was 10:50p. We had a little fight and i just was tired and seriously upset. So I decided to sleep. LOL. Anyway, back to this morning. I woke up to the cold, and a bird at my window chirping. He or she does that everyday at the same time. I then said hey little birdie if you want to really live please shut up and go away. It kept doing it then I went to the window and asked it politely and it shut up and went away. After that I was awake. I seriously wanted to sleep, but I watched a Disney movie named spirit. It was an okay cartoon movie thing. The horse just spoke horse pretty much all the movie. I must say it's a tear jerker, I swear i cried for like 20 minutes. I never really cry over stuff like that.     I've been watching the stupid news since 5 as well. Who in the hell sends out party invitations over Facebook? some stupid person who's turning 15 ...

    People say you shouldn't look for love, it will find you. I sometimes don't believe things people tell me, but i think this one's true.     Yea so what, i was on dating sites and yes, I even messaged people instead of waiting for them to message me. I thought that maybe men liked a woman who jumps in first. Obviously, thats's a crock of shit! I've had guys message me that aren't even my type or they just want a one nightstand. I then late altered my profile and said, "To all the messed up users and abusers of this site, I'M NOT A WHORE AND NEVER WILL BE!!! So if you want a one nightstand its not me."       That little monologue made men pretty much hate me. I know it's cruel, but I just don't want that kind of drama. Been there done that. I waited patiently for that one man to come in to the picture and he did. it took me 40-50 dates later to find him, but it was worth it. As they say, if a man is...

Today my teddy bear aka Matt came home today from college for labor day weekend... I was so excited to see him.  So he came over... after me vigorously cleaning my room and the whole house to impress him...  I also made a awesome dinner... Well, I thought it was awesome... Meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy with broccoli  . I also made brownies for desert. Needless to say that he didn't eat my brownies... He practically went running... The whole reason behind it was that I was so nervous to have sex with him I just kept physicking myself out.  It took me two hours to wrap the idea around my head. I think I fucked up right at that moment. I should have just went for it. This is why I ruin relationships...     So, I eventually get my top off and just talk to him and everything then we get into it more and he couldn't get it up.  Is it my fault? Am I not pretty enough? what did i do? It was lik...

I often wonder if Matt really sees a future with me. He seems like he wants to have someone there for the rest of his life. Don't get me wrong so do I, but he's sending me mixed signals here. I told him I'm ready to settle down whenever and he just has said when I get things squared away, I'll get engaged and then move in with that person.   Recently, he's been asking me about his future. Like what do I see us going. I want to tell him maybe getting married but he is no were near getting engaged and I truly don't think its time for him to ask that. I would love to marry him. I would do it in a heartbeat if he asked. I just want him to be sure I'm the one for him.   He's truly the only guy that can make me laugh, smile and be myself with. I fell in love with him on the 1st date. He was just so cute thinking that I was going to be judging him. I'm so not that type of person. I just wanted to get to know him and help him in life. I'll write tomorr...

      Today, was good... My day started out at 8am, but I went back to sleep until 9a. Then went out with my dad to eat breakfast at Medford Bagel Shop which has the best stuff ever!!! We figured that we would start out to the inspection station and get our inspection redone before the month ends. I was so shocked there were 2 cars there and 4 bays. The people were even fighting over who would go on break. Give me a FUCKING BREAK!!!       After that I texted my awesome Matty!!! I will miss him when he leaves me. Anyway, we decided I would come over and see him at his house. I met his parents MR. and MRS. B. They are some chill people. I love his mom I wish I  had a mom like her.  I literally spent all day with Matt.  Laying in his bed talking and smiling at him. I hate goodbyes and everything that deals with leaving for a long period of time. As you guys know, hes leaving for college and will be in the next state over. ...