My life as a BBW

I've been moping around for 2 days missing him. I know I shouldn't, but I miss him so much.... Nothing feels the same. I keep thinking did I make a mistake? I shouldn't even think about that. I need to move on. If it's love it will make it's way back into my life. Yes I know every relationship has its ups and downs. It's just the distance and everything that went wrong had become between us.  I guess its my fault, he even said so himself. I've questioned myself and what I've done in the relationship. SO that makes me the scape goat? Whatever, I'm just tired of this cloud that follows me. I am never happy and I should have been. Someone please tell me what to think....     I cant sleep... I need to go to Barngat tomorrow. Whoo hoo... 

Matt and I broke up tonight. I cried for like an hour on the phone. I just couldn't believe it. I'm so not going to be myself for the next few days. I feel like a part of me has died. FML why me. He said that he broke up with me.. Well hes wrong I broke up with him 1st. Like give me a  fucking break. he wasn't even ready for a relationship. I'm just fucking tired of men! I told him i was planning on going back to az and then he said maybe that was the reason that he broke up with me give me a break. I broke up with his sorry ass. I can totally do better than a big whining baby! I'm just not that happy about that. I'll be looking still.

    Today I woke up at 5am I have no clue why I went to sleep after talking to Matt for like 5 minutes it was 10:50p. We had a little fight and i just was tired and seriously upset. So I decided to sleep. LOL. Anyway, back to this morning. I woke up to the cold, and a bird at my window chirping. He or she does that everyday at the same time. I then said hey little birdie if you want to really live please shut up and go away. It kept doing it then I went to the window and asked it politely and it shut up and went away. After that I was awake. I seriously wanted to sleep, but I watched a Disney movie named spirit. It was an okay cartoon movie thing. The horse just spoke horse pretty much all the movie. I must say it's a tear jerker, I swear i cried for like 20 minutes. I never really cry over stuff like that.     I've been watching the stupid news since 5 as well. Who in the hell sends out party invitations over Facebook? some stupid person who's turning 15 did that in Great

    As usual, Matt leaves on Sunday evenings to go back to college and I usually come up the week after. We pretty much keep a good schedule.  But today, I don't get to see him before he goes. He's leaving in 2 hours.I told him there's no point of even coming to see me, because I'm out of the way and it  will take 40 minutes just to get down here. I wish I could go with him. I just miss him so much.     So in order for me to cope with loosing him every other weekend, he bought me a teddy bear. here's matty.... isnt he cute?  I named him Matty. This teddy bear is so soft and cuddly I love it. Matt even said you like the teddy bear more than you like me. That is so not true. I just like silence sometimes that's all. Matt and I were discussing the future and he really wants me to be there. he said I'm his one and only and he wants that forever. Then I usally say forever is a long time are you sure ?  He beat me to the punch and tried to act like Nicholas C

    People say you shouldn't look for love, it will find you. I sometimes don't believe things people tell me, but i think this one's true.     Yea so what, i was on dating sites and yes, I even messaged people instead of waiting for them to message me. I thought that maybe men liked a woman who jumps in first. Obviously, thats's a crock of shit! I've had guys message me that aren't even my type or they just want a one nightstand. I then late altered my profile and said, "To all the messed up users and abusers of this site, I'M NOT A WHORE AND NEVER WILL BE!!! So if you want a one nightstand its not me."       That little monologue made men pretty much hate me. I know it's cruel, but I just don't want that kind of drama. Been there done that. I waited patiently for that one man to come in to the picture and he did. it took me 40-50 dates later to find him, but it was worth it. As they say, if a man is interested in you and wants to see you

hey guys whats going on? I made a video blog for you.... So I hope you like this... and if you do please tell me. So i can do more of them instead of typing my thoughts... Well thanks guys you rock!!! Meanwhile, I'm tryin to figure out why they wont let me post my vlog on here... So here are some pictures from our nerf gun commercial set. An abandoned house... thought it was cool so heres a pic the side of the house... kinda looks freaky in a way... but would be a lot scarier at night....  pretty? I think so....I'm soo good...  I'm adding some of the raw footage from the commercial so here you go.... 

I'm so excited about tomorrow... Seeing my baby. I can't sleep at all! I can't understand why. I've tried to sleep and it's just insane. I wish I could get to bed so I can leave at 9 to be there at 11. Sheesh, I'm so nervous. Every time I go see him I get nervous. It's crazy. Alright I'm gonna try to sleep... I know this isn't going to happen. But, I have 2 hrs worth of driving to do in the AM.... So talk to you later!!! =) muah xoxo

One of my friends on yahoo messenger is looking for this stupid song. He only knows one word in it. It's driving me nuts. I've been scouring through so many songs and Youtube videos and cross referencing lyrics with the songs. He keeps telling me they sound like kings of leon. I've picked out like 16 bands and still none of them are it. So i'll tell you if i find the song... just thought i would jot this down b4 i forget...

No one really reads my blog. So why should I even write in it? I've just been so stressed out lately thinking of if I should go back to school or find a job that pretty much pays nothing.. I recently got a job offer for my old job back. The only problem is that it's in Arizona and Matt will be all alone... I really need to do something quick... I'm so lost over this shit.. I'll talk about this later... on the phone with Matt... now hes upset b/c i don't know what to do with our relationship. Sheesh I can't ever win. wtf. All i said is our relationship isn't that happy. and its my fault right. I just should really go back to az if this is what's going to happen.

 this is matt and me...  Besides the no sex and the snoring... Matt is turly the one for me. I've fallen head over heels for this man. I just hope he's done the same... I can't even stop thinking about him from time to time. This labor day weekend was surely something to remember. My dad's 60th b-day party was on Saturday. Even though, his birthday was on Thursday. IT was a real blast. I even spent all my money on his party it was well worth it. He had gotten to talk to people from his home town of Trenton NJ and just reminis about memories. I on the other hand just got to sit down and hold Matts hand and have a great meal prepared by Tiffany. She rocks!! She's my dad's god-daughter. His real 1st daughter not like literally, but the 1st baby girl to take his heart. It's hard to compete with, but I know she loves him like I do.    I had so much fun this weekend it's taken me till tuesday to post this... How funny huh? I've been a busy body... Mak

    I've been wondering if, every person we meet in our lifetime changes who we are as people. Does each one teach us something new or different? And when that person is no longer in your life do you really think about them, doing the things that they have taught you or things that you've experienced with them? I've done that many times over the years.   For example, my new boyfriend. If I hadn't met him I would have never talked about my past and just let it all out. He's my rock and best friend. Sounds like marriage vows I know. But I'm serious. If we break up I would be lost and so devastated.   He's shown me that I'm worth more than what I value myself as.  I love the fact that he supports me, and loves me for me. I couldn't ask for a more perfect man.       Today, we had a surprise birthday party for my dad... it was his 60th b-day on the 2nd of this month... Matt came and he fit right in. Everyone, loved him and I'm just glad that everyone

Today my teddy bear aka Matt came home today from college for labor day weekend... I was so excited to see him.  So he came over... after me vigorously cleaning my room and the whole house to impress him...  I also made a awesome dinner... Well, I thought it was awesome... Meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy with broccoli  . I also made brownies for desert. Needless to say that he didn't eat my brownies... He practically went running... The whole reason behind it was that I was so nervous to have sex with him I just kept physicking myself out.  It took me two hours to wrap the idea around my head. I think I fucked up right at that moment. I should have just went for it. This is why I ruin relationships...     So, I eventually get my top off and just talk to him and everything then we get into it more and he couldn't get it up.  Is it my fault? Am I not pretty enough? what did i do? It was like 2:30am. It may have been too late... The thing that got me the most was him telling

Lonely Why does this always happen to me? Does anyone in this world want me Why do i have to be so lonely the pain inside can't be described in words I feel like nobody's out there It seems like I'm the only one in this dreadful and sorrowful world I have to make this stop This pain is getting worse everyday Soon I will die because of it. I must stop it I must..... This poem was written on 3/25/05 a few days before my birthday. My parents just split a year ago and I still wasn't over it. I was in a new school no one liked me. My own sister even told people that I wasn't her sister... isn't that messed up?  I was really struggling with depression and no one would even listen. I just want people to know that I've been through a lot and that you can relate to me and I hope I inspire people to get better.  Moving out There's always a trill and always a will to move selling and reusing old furniture is always good I'm going to miss

  Expectations can either make or break a relationship... I really can't fathom why Matt wants to be with me. He tells me all the time how much he cares and loves me.  He has also told me that I'm perfect. I can't live up to being perfect. I've thought about breaking up with him, because I don't want to be put up on a pedestal. I know my thought chain isn't really connecting right now. I'm just jotting down what I'm thinking. So I'm really sorry about that.    Back to what I was saying. Matt and I have been talking about marriage and a future. Is it really to soon to start talking about that? I've known him for 2 weeks, but I feel like I've known him for years.  I can really see myself with him for a very long time. I've had so many people tell me that knowing someone for 2 weeks and thinking that he's the one for you isn't so great. I could be wrong, but you know the infamous gut feeling that women get, well I can tell you I hav