Is it me?

Today my teddy bear aka Matt came home today from college for labor day weekend... I was so excited to see him.  So he came over... after me vigorously cleaning my room and the whole house to impress him...  I also made a awesome dinner... Well, I thought it was awesome... Meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy with broccoli  . I also made brownies for desert. Needless to say that he didn't eat my brownies... He practically went running... The whole reason behind it was that I was so nervous to have sex with him I just kept physicking myself out.  It took me two hours to wrap the idea around my head. I think I fucked up right at that moment. I should have just went for it. This is why I ruin relationships...
    So, I eventually get my top off and just talk to him and everything then we get into it more and he couldn't get it up.  Is it my fault? Am I not pretty enough? what did i do? It was like 2:30am. It may have been too late... The thing that got me the most was him telling me I'll be okay and he'll take care of me and wont hurt me at all kills me.. I was so nervous and apparently so was he. I sat there half naked for like a half hour nothing really happened...
   This always happens to me... I let someone all the way in and i get fucked over. Like wtf. He is the one for me I just know it. I hope we can get past this nervous stage bullshit. After I had my clothes off I was good to go. I just don't like to be let down. I know he's reading this right now. (No hunny you didn't let me down. I was just expecting something to happen and it didn't. It's fine... ) Anyway sitting on the other bed across from him, I felt like shit. He kept telling me that he loves me, cares about me and that It's not me. I seriously doubt that... I felt like an idiot, I couldn't even get my own boyfriend to have sex with me. God I'm a horrible person...  I knew I waited way too long to have sex with him today... I just hope that things will go the way they are supposed to go...

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