Expectations.... why do we have them?
Expectations can either make or break a relationship... I really can't fathom why Matt wants to be with me. He tells me all the time how much he cares and loves me. He has also told me that I'm perfect. I can't live up to being perfect. I've thought about breaking up with him, because I don't want to be put up on a pedestal. I know my thought chain isn't really connecting right now. I'm just jotting down what I'm thinking. So I'm really sorry about that.
Back to what I was saying. Matt and I have been talking about marriage and a future. Is it really to soon to start talking about that? I've known him for 2 weeks, but I feel like I've known him for years. I can really see myself with him for a very long time. I've had so many people tell me that knowing someone for 2 weeks and thinking that he's the one for you isn't so great. I could be wrong, but you know the infamous gut feeling that women get, well I can tell you I have a gut feeling about him.
I'm just not so sure I can meet his expectations. He keeps hinting he wants to have sex. I just can't do that. It opens a whole other level in a relationship that I just don't quite think I'm ready for. I've been physically abused before and used by other men. I just can't say here's my heart and I hope you don't break it. I used to be that way. I was so trustworthy, now I have my heart behind a electric barbed wire fence, and guard dog out side of the perimeter. Maybe, I'm just scared to think what will happen. Will my relationship turn out like my parents? Divorce 18 years later? Will kids be involved? I know this is horrible to think when I just met the guy. I get that, but we've been talking about serious topics.
I suppose I'm over thinking everything. This is why I don't get men to go out with me. I've been hurt to much to even let things happen. I always have to be ready for whatever is going to happen. I'm always on edge and on guard. I seriously can't let myself fall. I wish I could. This god forsaken mental block will effect everything I do. For example, I won't have sex with him. That puts a strain on everything even though in my eyes it's really not necessary to have sex within the first month of knowing each other. To some it's a life time to wait, and i'm sorry for that. I'm just an old-fashioned type of person so sue me.. To think about it, there might be some asshole out there who is suing his girlfriend or wife for not having sex with him. What a crock of crap!
Another expectation that he has is for me to purse my dream. As you all know Singing is my number one dream. It's not easy being a bbw and trying to make it in the music industry. I have no professional anything for my music. I haven't even played in a band since high school. Not to mention doing live performance by myself is quite scary as well. I've been told I have a great voice and I do believe people. I just don't have a studio microphone, and I don't write my own music that much anymore due to people telling me that I suck and I shouldn't quit my day job. A few members of my family have told me I should just be a back up singer... Not mentioning anyones name. There are also people in my family who think music isn't a career. You don't get paid until you get into the bright lights I know. But my music is something I love to do and I probably will never stop singing no matter what goes on. Anyway, my problems go farther than skin deep. I really think that I'm going to mess this relationship up and I just can't do this.
I'll be writing some more soon... I'm going to write a few poems down so you guys can see how I really feel.
Back to what I was saying. Matt and I have been talking about marriage and a future. Is it really to soon to start talking about that? I've known him for 2 weeks, but I feel like I've known him for years. I can really see myself with him for a very long time. I've had so many people tell me that knowing someone for 2 weeks and thinking that he's the one for you isn't so great. I could be wrong, but you know the infamous gut feeling that women get, well I can tell you I have a gut feeling about him.
I'm just not so sure I can meet his expectations. He keeps hinting he wants to have sex. I just can't do that. It opens a whole other level in a relationship that I just don't quite think I'm ready for. I've been physically abused before and used by other men. I just can't say here's my heart and I hope you don't break it. I used to be that way. I was so trustworthy, now I have my heart behind a electric barbed wire fence, and guard dog out side of the perimeter. Maybe, I'm just scared to think what will happen. Will my relationship turn out like my parents? Divorce 18 years later? Will kids be involved? I know this is horrible to think when I just met the guy. I get that, but we've been talking about serious topics.
I suppose I'm over thinking everything. This is why I don't get men to go out with me. I've been hurt to much to even let things happen. I always have to be ready for whatever is going to happen. I'm always on edge and on guard. I seriously can't let myself fall. I wish I could. This god forsaken mental block will effect everything I do. For example, I won't have sex with him. That puts a strain on everything even though in my eyes it's really not necessary to have sex within the first month of knowing each other. To some it's a life time to wait, and i'm sorry for that. I'm just an old-fashioned type of person so sue me.. To think about it, there might be some asshole out there who is suing his girlfriend or wife for not having sex with him. What a crock of crap!
Another expectation that he has is for me to purse my dream. As you all know Singing is my number one dream. It's not easy being a bbw and trying to make it in the music industry. I have no professional anything for my music. I haven't even played in a band since high school. Not to mention doing live performance by myself is quite scary as well. I've been told I have a great voice and I do believe people. I just don't have a studio microphone, and I don't write my own music that much anymore due to people telling me that I suck and I shouldn't quit my day job. A few members of my family have told me I should just be a back up singer... Not mentioning anyones name. There are also people in my family who think music isn't a career. You don't get paid until you get into the bright lights I know. But my music is something I love to do and I probably will never stop singing no matter what goes on. Anyway, my problems go farther than skin deep. I really think that I'm going to mess this relationship up and I just can't do this.
I'll be writing some more soon... I'm going to write a few poems down so you guys can see how I really feel.
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